Look Both Ways Before Dating

| Mon 7 Jan 2013 | 4 Comments | 824 Views

Author HypoChristi

A congenial, Southern, atheist, bisexual, vegetarian woman devoted to equality for all. Loves to amuse and be amused. | @hypochristi

Normally I post sexuality-related posts on my personal blog, but it’s about time I talked about my sexuality here as well.

It’s no secret that I’m bisexual. For those of you not familiar with my story,  here’s a brief history. I began to question my sexuality at fifteen. I knew I got the same butterflies when I saw a pretty girl that I got when seeing an attractive male, but I thought nothing of it for awhile, attributing it to admiring the female body in a nonsexual way (talk about mental gymnastics).  I came out on Myspace a year later, mostly to positive reception with a few notable exceptions.

Coming out was certainly difficult, but another challenge was in my midst: dating. Once this information was made public, at times it’s been hard for me to find a partner comfortable with my bisexuality. I’ve joked on my Twitter before that being bisexual doesn’t double your chances of a date, it’s halved it in my experience. Anyone who’s been interested in me gets informed about my bisexuality, if he/she didn’t know already. To some of those people who did not know previously, interest in me ended there because to them, bisexual = unfaithful. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with faithfulness.

On the opposite side of the problem, I’ve encountered a couple men along the way who expressed interest because they had a bi girl fetish. Bisexuality to them = girl on girl action + threesomes. Not happening with me. Of course, I can only speak as a bi woman. I don’t have the experiences of a bi male, although insight from bi men would be more than welcome.

Others have expressed acceptance in theory, but not in practice. This was worse than outright rejection to me because I felt lied to. I could say I was bi, so long as I didn’t really show it. A boyfriend I had my junior year of high school was one of these people. He claimed to be cool with it, yet gave me dirty looks if I made a casual statement about say, a female celebrity being or sexy or whatever.

Another telling incident was at my 21st birthday party last year, when my boyfriend at the time (not the same one I referred to previously) offered to let me kiss a girl since it was a special occasion. He even found a straight female friend of ours who was willing to entertain the idea. Due to some miscommunication on our part on what was acceptable, I received flak for French-kissing her because that was apparently “too intense” and was accused of cheating for staying in another room too long (we were in there for twenty minutes, kissing for one or two tops because we had numerous privacy invasions). Not a night I remember as fondly as I’d have liked to. He later told me he was not as comfortable with my kissing as a woman as he said he would be.

Being bisexual takes some extra discussion in the dating arena. It’s crucial to be open and honest about what your specific needs are, as there’s lots of misunderstandings of what a bisexual is. Being bisexual only means having attraction to both sexes, not necessarily equally. It says nothing about trustworthiness or sexual behavior. My personal preference is a mostly monogamous relationship with the freedom to occasionally pursue physical (but nonsexual), non-romantic contact with a member of the sex I’m not in a relationship with (as it stands, that’s always been women; I have dated both sexes, but all my relationships have been with men). By “physical, non-romantic contact,” I mean that there are times when I like to cuddle, kiss, and hold hands with another person, but no nudity, no sexual acts (defined in this case as any contact with genitals), and no attempts to initiate a relationship “on the side” will take place.  Obviously this is not an appealing relationship arrangement to everyone, but it’s not my goal to make it so. Other bisexuals prefer complete monogamy,  polyamory, or swinging. It always depends, as it does with people of other sexual orientations. Clarity is crucial when discussing this matter. The man I’m dating now loves and accepts me, knowing my preference from the start. It’s not always been easy for us.

Dating a bisexual is no different than dating someone who is straight or gay.  If you aren’t willing to work and find common ground with your partner(s) regardless of orientation, you deserve to be alone.

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  • Chuck D

    Have you considered that perhaps the reason that your old boyfriend was made uncomfortable was not that you kissed a _woman_, but that you passionately kissed another human being in front of him? And how can you expect yourself to ‘cuddle, kiss, and hold’ another human being in a non-romantic way, as if these behaviors are inherently non-sexual (or non-relational)? It seems to me that your romantic struggles may be more a result of your non-committal attitude toward relational fidelity (or confusion about what it means to be ‘faithful’) than to your non-committal attitude toward sexual orientation. Thanks for sharing.

    • http://twitter.com/hypochristi Christi

      Thank you for commenting. I have thought about it, but based on his conversations with me, it didn’t seem this way. I wasn’t kissing in front of him or anyone else, but in another room so that we did not draw attention to ourselves. He’s the one who offered to let me do it, so the reaction I’d received once I’d done it came as a surprise. Sexual behavior is defined differently by everyone, and I knew there was going to be some issue taken with my version. I completely understand, don’t get me wrong. My preferences do not have to be met, and I’m capable of complete monogamy. If someone I share a mutual romantic interest with takes issue with me wanting to do those physical things with someone else, I can accept that and have before; it’s not my ideal arrangement to have it this way, but life is not all about having it my way, especially since I know good relationships thrive on the willingness to compromise.

      My main issues are taken where I’m either rejected based on my sexuality alone or sought after with the assumption I want threesomes because the other person hasn’t bothered to get to know me past the ‘bisexual’ label. Perhaps I do expect too much (the whole wanting my cake and eating it too deal), but my goal was to approach this sensitive topic with honesty. My preferences may change in the future, as I’m still rather young, but as it stands now, that’s where they are.

  • http://emilyhasbooks.com/ Emily Dietle

    This article met very close to my own experiences. As soon as my bisexuality is let out of the bag in a relationship, issues arise. Finding a partner that meshes well with your own sexuality that you can be candid with is challenging, but I can attest to how wonderful it can be when one comes along.

  • http://www.facebook.com/bjornarmunkerud Bjørnar Munkerud

    I’m a bi man, and I have many similar and many different opinions and feelings.

    When it comes to the “bi woman = sexy threesome” thing I both realise that that is rarely the case and quite unlikely to happen, and while I wouldn’t oppose it under all circumstances, I certainly wouldn’t date a bi woman for that reason; I would do it in the prospect of having a relationship that consisted solely on the two of us.

    I’m comfortable with them stating they like other men/women, in fact I’d get a hell of a kick out of that, and I would want to do it myself, but I would be worried and somewhat, shall we say, paranoid if it seemed likely they would dump me for someone else, regardless of sex. I think in general I would enjoy dating another bi person, regardless of gender, than a gay guy or straight woman, perhaps because I like the prospect of sharing that aspect with him/her, but perhaps also because I may have somewhat of a “bi fetish”. I wouldn’t want to engage in any sort of “love-based relationship” with anyone outside of whoever I was in a relationship with, partly because of fear of being rejected by my partner.

    Oh, and I obviously would want people to be accepting and understanding of my sexuality, and as for those who don’t, well they can (unfortunately) suck it.

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Category: Gender & Sexuality